When you get a divorce it’s like having a death without a funeral. You have all these memories, you know they actually happened, you know it, your marriage existed, but now it’s just …… gone. There’s this nothingness that is hovering over you, you see this person you were married to , you see a house you shared, and now nothing. Your heart just kind of stops. Your disconnected, you can’t connect with anything. At least this is how it was for me.
I remember Christmas Eve, I had the shift of closing down the store where I worked. I was leaving the building and this overwhelming sadness came over me. I was going home to no one, nothing.
I finally decided I would just leave. I needed new surroundings, I needed inspiration, I needed the mountains, the ocean. I decided to move to Oregon.
Now mind you, I had a young son my ex and I had joint custody of. He was 12 at the time, so it was a bit tricky how we would handle this move. How I would handle this move, how he would handle this move. We were not the co parents of today. We were actually doing a horrible job of it. There was very little communication happening. It was a very frustrating situation. So I did what I always do, I left. The grass had to be greener, right? My son would be fine, right? This is very painful to even think back on today. How does a mother get so depressed that she only can think of herself ? I just wanted to feel better, I just wanted to get over him, but I sacrificed the one boy who loved me no matter what I did, my son.
We had a sleep over at my apartment the night before I left. We slept on the floor , my furniture was packed. I squeezed him , kissed his face. Then I set off, so hopeful that this would bring me out of this hole I was in.
Oregon was everything I thought it would be and so much more. If I had a day off I was exploring. I hiked at the Lewis and Clark national forest, Multnomah Falls, Mt Hood. I drove out to Cannon Beach, Seaside, and Astoria. Day trips to Seattle. I went constantly. Was it beautiful and inspiring? Oh yes. Did the hole get filled? No. It was even bigger.
I went to church while living there, I listened to Christian music constantly. I knew how far away I was from God, I thought this would bring me closer, let me feel Him, but with my misery, I was pushing God away. I think I actually felt I wasn’t worthy of His love , I wasn’t good enough. I had left my husband, I had left my young son, I felt I was not worthy of love, by anyone. Someone was praying for me tho, someone was thinking about me, someone didn’t think I was unworthy, someone thought I was special, beautiful. He was asking God to keep me safe, he was asking God to bring me home. God did.