Three days of driving, sleeping in the moving truck, I pull into a hotel parking lot in Missouri. I’m home. Across the street was a Taco Bell. I’ve got three days of road muck on me so I go over and wash up a little and eat. I see a girl I went to school with and her mother, we say hi, everything’s wonderful, and they leave. No, everything’s not wonderful. I’m tired, my life feels a bit of a mess. I’m determined that things now will be better.
Drew has a track meet the day I arrived. So I check into the hotel, clean up and leave to see my son for the first time in 7 months.
If you’ve ever been away from your child for awhile, there’s this buildup of yearning for a touch, smell of your child. You long to see that twinkle of excitement in their eyes when they tell you about something exciting to them. You miss their funny little bouncy walk. You miss the way they say ‘Mom‘ when you ask them a question they don’t want to answer. I have missed my son.
I see him from across the field, I wave, I think he’s happy to see me. My son is not the type to show much emotion, so like his father. He has grown so much it seems, he seems taller, his shoulders broader. He just seems so much older than when I left. Could it be because I left, did he harden his heart a little, not wanting me to hurt him again? My mind is in overdrive I’m sure. I know it’s because of all the guilt I was carrying, still ashamed for leaving him in the first place.
My relationship with my son has struggled, on my end anyway. I would like to hope that it was all in my overthinking. I want to believe that hurt really never made it to his heart, I want to believe that it really made no impact on him that his mom chose to think only of herself and left. I want to believe that when I asked him to forgive me, when I told him I made the wrong choices, that he truly understood with his young mind, and that all is forgiven and forgot, clean slate. In that moment and time in my life tho, I just added it to my list of failures. Another thing to dig out from.