Digging Out

Handing It Over

You wouldn’t think that 7 months in Portland would have made a difference. A difference in me, my way of thinking. It did. Going through this last divorce was a death without the funeral. I spiraled through a hell out of control. It was like it wasn’t me, I was doing things I would never have done or would never do now. I think I was so miserable I wanted to surround myself with as much miserable people as possible, as much spirit crushing acts as possible. This was not going unnoticed by my boys.

My eldest son was on his own by this time, still very much a drug addict, but keeping jobs on and off. He had a girlfriend, they had had a baby girl together. I was not allowed to see the baby because of my ‘ questionable’ lifestyle. Yeah. Your a drug user and I am unfit because you don’t agree with my personal life, by personal life, I mean dating , going out. Somehow he had it in his mind that I was mom only, not a woman who was normal and attracted to men. This continued to be an issue with him for some reason, like I said, understanding how he was thinking was really tough, and the drug use by him did not help.

On the youngest son realm, he had become my protector. Anywhere we went he would walk with me with his arm around my shoulders. I am not kidding. Everywhere, every time. I laugh now, but it got annoying then. I stayed patient, I was in awe of the way he showed his love for me.

We had an old tube television my oldest son had given me, we had no cable or anything, money was tight. Ramen was very common at the house. My youngest son never complained. In fact he would get creative with different versions of Ramen he would make for me. He and I would spend time together by hiking, biking, watching a rented movie together. I still look back at those moments as some of my favorite. He says he doesn’t remember them, I’m not sure if I believe him.

So this is how my life was now, trying to nurture and guide a young teenage boy. Trying to find balance between independence but keeping guidelines. Trying to have a relationship with my eldest son, with my granddaughter, all while his life was falling apart due to his drug use. Trying to find balance between being mom and being Katherine. Learning to pray, to hand It over, slowly digging out.

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